a LeTTeR To a FeaRLeSs BRotHa

"i really do have the utmost respect for how you manage your truth...i know it might not seem like it...but if there is one thing that time has shown...it is that U live what you know to be your truth to the fullest...and sometimes it's awkward...and sometimes it's uncomfortable...but over time it's become a thing to show respect to...I think you are a fearless brother...and i tip my hat to it.

me"


i really do believe in the possibility of "meant to be"...of "destiny"...of me knowing you and you knowing me long before we ever inhabited these bodies...that you and me/we're that destiny because we mapped and agreed to in the stars/ we are proof that there is life on Mars/ Proof that the planets are guiding our souls/ // We are a double helix of intertwining stellar galactic energy,baby/ spiraling our dance for eternity, baby// come through this human skin/ to rekindle our magic, baby// Yes...i might act like i don't get it...but i do/ there's me and there's you/ and we have traveled through constellations to arrive into each others eyes...magnetized to collide our lives together...// if we get this right...we are a stunning sight...an example of a light...years away...// Yes i see you...but more important...i feel you// Yes...i might act like i don't feel you...but i do// I feel you...in parts of me...that make me uneasy// I feel parts of you in my secret places...that whisper you in the softness of their folds/ then gently release these fragments of you...up into...a part of my mind...that wafts you past me from time to time//

the less you show us of ourselves/ the harder it becomes to know ourselves/ because we have no reflection of ourselves/ to look into// your plan is simple/ act like we do not exist/ on the planet's surface/ treat us like the dust beneath your existence/ make us hardly recognizable to ourselves/ and we'll be forced to believe/ we don't mean anything// we/will shrink ourselves/ to fit into your minority categories/ because we've been tricked to perceive ourselves/the lesser of humanity/ simply because we are forever inundated with your racist imagery// Everything surrounding me/ all you/ and no me/ to speak of// Everything being given me all your sizes and tastes and preferences/ Everything being taught to me/ all your ideas/ credits/ and philosophies/ all of these/ the stolen property/ of those of us you are persecuting// You are vigorously trying to erase us/ from this earth's surface/ killing us in numbers/ that plunder far beneath and under/ your races/ ever slowly growing population// yet even as you try to kill us/ we keep exploding// 25 million continental africans dead in a year from AIDS/ brings back ancestral memories of 25 million african bodies lying leagues beneath the sea/ sacrificed in the pit of slavery/ you claim long buried in this society//

everyone else

So, everyone else// "everyone else" is the majority// the large group of everyone and everything that lives outside of you and has an opinion on what you choose/ who you are/ how you live/ how you think/ how you "how" in general// "everyone else" has an impression of who they think you are based on their "feelings" around who you present yourself to be/ it's human relating// we make contact/ we engage/ we judge the engagement/ we asses the engager/engagers/ and we make a decision of/like or dislike/ based on our feelings/ while perched on a fence/ erected between our world and theirs// perched here, we decide/ what we do/and/do not believe about who we're presented with// we decide what we believe is real or fake/ what is to be trusted and not trusted// We figure them out as best as we can/ and then decide/who they are relative to us// Do we continue to engage/ or/ do we move on?// Fact: most times we move on/ there are too many people to "keep"/ too many experiences of "clash", even though we might not call it that/ to many ways to not connect// That's why when you do connect/ it's magic// but what i've learned through time/is that/ real magic takes time// real magic needs to simmer/ initial magic/attraction/connection/ is exciting and motivating// real magic is work/and concentration/ and investment// i've made some really bad investments...

JuDGMeNT

It's called Judgment/ and i think/ contrary to popular opinion/ that judgment is an essential part of of our human interiors// it's a survival skill/ and we are not to live without it// There is no living being on the planet that lives without judgment// iT is the power to decide/ to choose/ what we are are/ and/ are not invested in/ because of how we feel about it// the ability and inate act to discern/ to have an opinon/ to assertain// this is judgment in it's purest form// And i'm of the personal opinion that any spiritual practice that advises a human being to put aside their judgment is a philosophy of spiritual suicide// To excercise judgment is to massage and stretch our sense of things/ to work out/ fine tune/ sharpen/ our instincts and intuitions up against our view of things/ and if all is healthy with our instincts/ our intuitions/ and our view of things/ judgment can become a vital part of an individuals healthy development// When these components aren't so healthy/ disfunction is bred// Judgment and/ its plural/ judgments/ are very different things// The latter is what i really think most spiritual practices ask us to let go of// Judgments are what sentence people to our opinions// Judgments are what suffocate the air from a widened experience// Judgment is the gavel hitting the judges sound block// a declaration that a justice has been served and bestowed// it is the oppressive sound of someone thinking they "know" about "it"//

aWaY....

Sometimes/ i need to live in a bubble/ cut myself off from everything that seems to "need" to get in/ and disconnect// there's anxiety with the choice to do so/ discomfort with what people will think/ whose feelings i might hurt/ who i feel obligated to// which is the reason i need the space in the first place/ because everything is too "tight" or "too much to handle// Sometimes the choice to enter the bubble/ is on me before i know it// I just magically feel as if I've been transported there// Clearly i know the choices i've made to get there/ but sometimes I'm surprised to find that I've arrived/that i'm disconnected/ almost by accident/ but knowing that a part of me finally tookover/and said: "enough, we've had enough"// But lately/ or rather/ this time especially// i'm beginning to get comfortable with my right to disconnect// with my right to say "enough" and "i need space"/ whether directly with my words/ or indirectly with my actions// i think I've worked out that it's the people who understand the choice that i want to be friends with/ that i need to be friends with// and anyone else?/ well as unfortunate as it might be for me/ everyone else/ must just become everyone else//

i made a decision: i decided to have a baby/ i made a decision to have a child in a most unconventional way// i decided to have a child as a single, non-single parent/ which is to say/ i created the child with someone other than who i was partnered to// Why?// because my partner is my best friend// My partner/ my soul mate/ my "spouse" isn't someone i have a sexual relationship with// it's someone i have an intimate relationship with// My sister/ my best friend/ my rock// Surprisingly...we don't fit anywhere// We're looked upon skeptically no matter which way we turn// Heterosexuals wonder what we're going to do when we finally met "the one"// "the one" being the person we're going to fall in love with and want to marry/ "what will happen to the other??"// our answer is confusing to them: / if another appears then.../well.../they come along "with"// We will not leave the other/ we are as committed to this partnership as you are to your/ husband/wife/girlfriend/spouse/other//We are/partners// Homosexuals/ just as bad// "Have you tried to have sex with each other?"// no we haven't//" but why?"// because we're not attracted to each other sexually// shocked expressions follow// We are attracted to each other intimately/ we are attracted to each other spiritually// These attractions all seem to come secondary to the sexual/ this is sad to me// We are two women who connect/ connect on plains outside of our genitalia/ but our partnership is criticized because our genitalia aren't interested in entering the equation// funny, don't you think?

FaTHeRS...

There are very legitimate reasons for why we don't have fathers// Unfortunately/ our society/ does not give a head's up about this// Instead/ we're fed/ stereotypes/in our heads/ that leads us to believe/ and believe only/ that a father not being present/ is only tragedy// But that's not the truth/ and to live by that as rule/ would be a travesty// it would undermine the goldmine that is stored in me/ hidden deep down in the cavernous heart of me// I am fine// I've been able to discover that in time// and despite/ my father's respite/from my life/ for quite a stretch of time/ i know I am divine/ secured in the choices i've made/ and the amount of light that i see shine from my life....

I'm pregnant. Pregnant without the person who helped me create this life. I am pregnant with my best-sista-partner-friend. It's better this way. I am happier pregnant with her, than i am with him. The presence of her in my life is a blessing. Her and my commitment to our friendship came before him. We have not ever believed that the role of a loved sista-friend was less priority than that of a loved boyfriend. No man can come between us. No one has. We support each other. We can be our true selves with each other, which in turn, teaches us how to be ourselves in the world. We reflect the other, this is why as sista-friends, we are also partners; it because of the other, that we have learned to be real together. When I was figuring out what to do, pregnant, in the beginning, balancing myself in the newness of the situation, she said: bring this child into the world, with or without him, and i knew i could because she was with me. And when i still didn't know which way i would fold, she was at the ready, to support me with whatever choice came from me. I chose this baby and she gleamed: "We're having a baby". Yes, we are.

I'm pregnant and he's not around, but she is. All the time. Supporting the coming of this life, into our life, with excitement, and calm, and clarity. We've paved the road as best-sista-friends and are now careening down the highway lane we took when we sharp turned at "parenting together". More and More we prove we are some alternative thinking-doing-living sisters, but we've never been happier.

...if there's one thing i've come to see/ it's being single mother isn't easy/ but neither must it have been/ so easy being "friends" with men/ who didn't/ in whatever ways/ take responsibility for creating their babies// Men who/ "couldn't"/ Men who/ "wouldn't"/ Men who/ "shouldn't/ Men who all of a sudden liked to flip switch/like they didn't have a thing to do with their dicks// These men/ must not have looked the healthiest choices for parenting with// So yes/ i guess/ i can respect our mothers anger/ and her sadness/ her frustrations and bitterness/ at his absence/ but in the case of men who did not do/ what many could/ would/ and should/ then/their absence makes sense…

I'm pregnant, with a man i chose to trust in a short period of time, because this is how i make choices and live my life and this is what makes my life feel inspired. A man i committed too because it felt like the right thing to do and i did it. I did it with loyalty. I did it with love. I did it with respect. I was ready to hit the "hard" of it together. We talked and agreed about what we were. We made decisions about who "we”, would be, moving together and understood that we were choosing an uncommon path together. We made the choice to do this “present” together. He's not here anymore; he left before we could unwrap it together. But “Don’t Cry for Me Argentina…”, what is here is more stable than he could be. I have a community that loves me. I am tightly wound and bundled in the heart and lives of a few good people who protect and nurture me through this, my first pregnancy. I am extremely lucky in the blessing of my surrogate family - friends and family weaving their own relationships around this child and me. There isn't a person who is part of my surrogate family that isn't happy about this child inside of me.

…/Those that aren't there/ aren't ready/ they know/ in their own ways/ that they can't live up to the expectations of "daddy"/ Even with many who stay/ there comes a day/ when one is forced to see/ that it might have been better to have stayed away/ and returned when they were able to find a way to stay for good// Parenting/ is a hard thing to do/ properly/ it's a hard thing to do without guilt/ without fear/ without anxiety// Parenting and trying to be a person/ is a real hard thing/ especially considering the rate of dysfunction most societies are living in// Exposure to a toxic person/ in the infancy of its gestation/ creates a painful human being/ incapacitated by the bruising of their soul...


I'm pregnant and I almost let it become a dysfunctional experience, by adhering to images of parenting that are faulty and untrue. My child's life is not irrevocably damaged by the loss of a father but my child will be irrevocably damaged if, the loss of their father is made a primary issue in their lives: demonstrated either by the quality of life they live and/or by the picture that is painted of the absent father by those who parent my child in his absence. The truth? The percentage of Single Mothers in North America is on the rise, but the teenage pregnancy rate is dropping. Women between the ages of 25 to 34 are choosing to become Single Mothers. Even still, beyond the statistics of whose having the babies, is the simple truth about women. We have babies in all sorts of circumstances, and whether we are offered other alternatives or not, will not ever change the fact that abortion rates will never be higher than the birthrate, and if such a day, were ever to come, it is surely a sign of apocalyptic proportions. “In sickness and in health, for richer, for poorer, till death do us part” is first and foremost a mother’s creed and is a commitment to the outcomes of pregnancy. Whether we made our choice to procreate, in sick or healthy mind; whether our circumstances, at the time, indicated wealth or poverty; or up until the moment death could take it all away; women commit to what they've created. Whether a functional mother or not, the agreement and act of carrying a child, with few exceptions, is an unconditional declaration of responsibility. And i am pretty sure, that the rate of surgical abortion is nothing in comparison to the amount of men who abort their children by abandoning them.

So yes, I am pregnant. I'm not pregnant with who the morally righteous and judgmental might think I should be pregnant with but I am pregnant with who my spirit innerstands i should be pregnant with: partner, friends and family. He doesn't have to be here, because he has yet to be a “father” here, in a place full of people ready to receive and parent the child he helped co-create…